


Better Than *Your* Dumbass Plan

by dessert_first



Category: Angel: the Series
Genre: Alternate Ending, Crack, F/M, Humor, M/M, Sex solves everything
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-10
Updated: 2012-06-10
Packaged: 2017-11-07 11:02:17
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,380
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/430349
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dessert_first/pseuds/dessert_first
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometime in the middle of the series finale, Spike has a better plan. Silly thing for the <a href="http://inlovewithnight.livejournal.com/590442.html?mode=reply">Valentine's Day Fluffython.</a> Written for , who requested Hamilton/anyone. Thanks to my partner in <strike>crime</strike> fic, the irrepressible , for her Angelic suggestions.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Better Than *Your* Dumbass Plan

**Author's Note:**

  * For [bugchicklv](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bugchicklv/gifts).



“The thing you never could get through your thick skull, Peaches, is that sometimes you need to be a lover, not a fighter,” Spike said.

Angel blinked. Maybe it was the rose in Spike's teeth hampering his speech, but... "What?"

Spike sighed, removed the rose, and tried again. “You plan sucks,” he ennunciated. “Get us all killed. Fire and brimstone and dragons coming down from the sky, mate, you can put money on that. Not to mention, big evil? Mow ‘em down, you’ll just get a spankin’ new set by morning. Middle management’s the way to go. Grass roots, like.”

“You’re going to kill medium-level evil?” Lorne looked puzzled.

“Don't need to *kill* our enemies,” Spike scoffed. “We’re gonna *fuck* the evil right outta them. Charlie-boy gets everyone’s favorite ex-lawyer.” Spike slapped a file folder in Gunn’s hands. “And don’t think you didn’t get the plum assignment, you lucky sod.”

Gunn flipped open the folder. “You want me to sleep with _Lindsey_?”

“He’s shifty,” Spike shrugged. “What are we gonna do, shoot him?”

Angel looked vaguely guilty.

“Percy, you get Bacall.” He tossed a file at Wesley.

“You expect me to become involved with _Lilah Morgan_?!”

“Oh, like that could never happen. And don’t piss her off; she’s head of the New York offices now, post-mortem promotion. Angel, Lorne... uh, you're in charge of music, flowers, food and lighting. You know, ambience."

Wesley crossed his arms. "And you'll be taking on...?"

"Thought I'd take on the big guns," Spike said. "Planning to liase a bit with tall, dark and well-dressed. Oh, and Angel, luv, you'll be needing a new secretary. I gave yours an extended vacation in Belize." Spike grinned and put the rose back between his teeth. 

"Isn't that where all the Initiative guys from back in Sunnydale ended up, killing demons on sight?" Gunn frowned.

"Is it?" Spike said innocently. He wandered off, whistling through the rose.

::

Angel was fearless. A warrior for the side of good. A Champion of the Powers that Be.

He was not, however, anyone’s idea of a personal shopper.

“Two hundred dollars for _this_?” he looked askance at the floral arrangement.

“Angelcakes, if you want our little hookers to have a chance in hell of obliterating evil, you can’t skimp on the accessories. Wesley needs those to get Lilah’s attention.”

“Oh, like Lilah would ever been impressed by flowers. She’s strictly a jewelry kind of gal. I can tell.”

Lorne clapped a hand to his forehead, right between the horns. “What was I thinking? You are so, so right. Let’s go check out some diamonds.”

“Whoa—hey, now! There’s no need to be hasty! Don’t we have some kind of budget we need to stick to?”

“And grab the roses—we’ll need the petals.”

::

“Buy you a beer?” Gunn asked.

Lindsey narrowed his eyes suspiciously.

::

“Okay, okay, fine,” Lorne sulked. “I get it. Neither of us are fully of this world, nor can we ever truly comprehend the minutiae of the human experience any more than they could comprehend ours. I’m just saying—”

“Excuse me, miss?” Angel waved down a young woman across the way. “I need your honest opinion. What really says romance to you: Swiss chocolates or Belgian? Any idea which has the higher melting point?”

::

“Er, hello. I’m Wesley—”

“Wes.” The surprise on Lilah’s features was quickly replace by a pleased little smirk as she stepped away from the door, opening it further. “How unexpected.”

“I know we’ve never really had the chance to speak, but—”

“Hey, don’t worry, lover,” Lilah tilted her head, her smile almost gentle. “It’ll be just like riding a bicycle.”

::

“No, really. Be honest with me. Can the Spaniards really measure up to the French when it comes to sparkling wines? I mean, do we want to go there, or should we stick with the real McCoy?” Angel frowned at the display.

Lorne sighed.

::

“Take off yer trousers, luv,” Spike breezed into Hamilton’s office. “Finally found a plausible excuse for us to be sleeping together.”

Hamilton frowned. “Excuse me?”

“Oh, you mean you don’t—er, you don’t remember?” Spike sighed. “Well, this is embarrasing. See, in another universe, a parallel universe… last week I fell through this portal Blue was pulling together when Peaches ran out of closet space for his nine millionth identical black sweater, and… well.” He shrugged apologetically. “Seems in that parallel universe you and I are a bit of an item.”

“We’re a couple?”

“Shagging like bunnies.”

Hamilton looked doubtful.

Spike endeavored to look as innocent as a two-hundred-year-old formerly evil creature of the night could. Smiling, he held out the rose.

::

“Well, it doesn’t *say*, does it?” Angel waved Spike’s list in Lorne’s face. “What—”

“Creampuff, I already gave you my opinion. Go for the burgundy satin.”

“But doesn’t it seem a little… cheap? What about the crimson silk?”

“They’re just going to get messed up anyway, if the boys do their job right,” Lorne said reasonably. “And satin gives it that naughty edge.”

::

Lindsey gasped, boots digging into the abused fabric of the rumpled bed, arm draped over his eyes as he lay back. “Right there, man. Right there, right fucking—oh, *fuck*!”

Gunn slipped his mouth off Lindsey’s dick with a wet slurp and grinned. He licked one long trail up the juncture of Lindsey’s thigh, feeling the muscles quiver under him. At the very edge of Lindsey’s hipbone, Gunn pressed a kiss.

When he looked up, Lindsey was staring at him.

::

“Candles. Definitely candles.”

“Incense.”

“Candles!”

“Incense!”

“I thought the new plan *didn’t* involve killing them,” Angel said nastily.

“Are we really thinking ‘overpowering smell’ beats out ‘fire hazard’ in terms of safety?”

Point.

::

“Shut up, Lilah.”

“Make me.”

::

“Ylang-ylang? Vetiver? Patchouli? Jasmine?” The salesclerk wafted another sample under Angel’s already-overwhelmed nose. “Perhaps a special blend?”

“Right,” Lorne studied a flyer. “What’s this I hear about the importance of tropical heartwood-derived oils for rainforest preservation?”

::

Hamilton’s fingers were softer than they looked, the skin almost preternaturally smooth, like nothing ever marked him, but more alive than any immortal skin Spike had ever touched. Hamilton’s big hand wrapped tight around Spike’s erection, cleverly working him, letting Spike thrust into the heady warmth, and he could feel the pulse beating just beneath Hamilton’s fingertips. Spike groped at Hamilton’s own dick, heavily jutting out from his perfectly tailored wool slacks, the rich, ancient blood rushing under the surface of Hamilton’s skin intoxicating Spike.

“For the record?” Hamilton panted. "I’m still not buying your parallel universe story.” 

::

“Whoa, hey, now.” Angel frowned at the next item on Spike’s list. “I think I just realized where I draw the line.”

Lorne peeked over his shoulder. “Lingerie? Wow, he’s even put in rough estimates of everyone’s sizes. How helpful of him. Well, we better get back, anyway. The boys are going to need this stuff if they’re gonna make any headway tonight."

::

“So you wanna tell me what it it you're really angling for?” Lindsey licked Gunn’s dick clean from the blowjob, delicate little cat licks that made the overly sensitized skin almost hurt. 

“Now that you mention it,” Gunn gasped, “I was kinda hoping you might want to give up evil.”

“*That’s* your hidden agenda?” Lindsey grinned. “Well, shoot. I was just kinda waitin’ for someone to ask.”

::

Lying entwined in the afterglow, Lilah kissed the scar on Wesley’s neck, but didn’t ask about it. He never could quite remember where he got it. Something about a clawed demon attacking him, he thought. She had one too, though, all the way around her slender neck, so perhaps she understood some things were best not delved into. Funny he’d never noticed that before. He ran his fingers through her hair. “You know, you’re really quite—”

Lilah looked up at him, not moving her head from its comfortable position on his chest. She raised one immaculately groomed eyebrow. “Were you about to compliment me, Wesley? You’ll turn a girl’s head, you know.”

Wesley smiled. “Wouldn’t want that,” he said, and kept on stroking her hair.

::

Round nine, and Spike thrust himself down onto Hamilton’s cock again, snarling as it hit his prostate.

“Was there something you wanted to talk to me about?” Hamilton gritted his teeth as Spike tightened around him.

“Hmm?” Spike asked.


End file.
